Whenever something comes to an end I like to reflect on the experience. And since I live an ever-changing life full of beginnings and endings, I find myself almost always in a state of reflecting. Now is no different, as my six weeks vacation on land is wrapping up and soon I’ll be living out my days on a cruise ship again. According to Brendan Baker, the blogger at The Start of Happiness, refection is the platform for building your most successful, fulfilling, and happy life. Let’s hope he’s right, as I sure do a lot of it and would love for it to pay off one day instead of driving me insane like it seems to be doing!
I mentioned in my last post that I’m not too excited about going back to the ship. Why? Because I’ve become comfortable on land and I don’t want to stop enjoying the freedoms it has to offer. Until you’re put in a situation that you don’t or can’t experience these freedoms for a length of time, (jail is the only other situation I can think of that comes close, hmm…) you’re probably unable to completely understand what I’m trying to convey. That’s ok – these are the freedoms most of us take for granted because we do them every day, like jumping in the car and going wherever you want to go, waking up to sunlight streaming through your bedroom window, cooking a meal, going to a movie, visiting friends, watching your favorite television shows, enjoying hobbies, having unlimited internet, walking the dog, being with loved ones, relaxing over the weekend, etc. This list of everyday seemingly mundane activities are what most cruise ship employees like myself pine for day after day. Now that I’m 30, I’m pining for even bigger things that cruise ships can’t provide like a place of my own, and to begin building a life with someone.
When I first arrived home the culture shock made me want to scream and turn around and go back to my life at sea. But in time I began relaxing into a routine and (sort of) accepting the winter weather conditions while suppressing my need for adventure. And now that it’s time to go back, not only do I want to scream but also drop to the ground and kick my feet like an upset toddler. My friend was right when he told me I’m a “grass is always greener on the side I just left” kind of person. Ouch.
I recently Googled (don’t laugh) “how to do something you don’t want to do”. And believe it or not this article by ehow really helped me put it into perspective. The article suggests finding the positive aspects in the things you don’t want to do and concentrate on those. When I switch my thinking from what I’m missing by going on a cruise ship to what I’d be gaining, I instantly feel my body relax and my brain telling me, “you can do this!”
I can do this.
Being on land has taught me that I’m ready to hang up my hat as a cruise ship singer and begin to build a life on land – but I sort of knew this already – I was yearning for it day in and day out while on the ship. Still, I was scared to face the realities of living in the real world: bills and job hunting mostly, which is why I signed on for another contract when it’s really the last thing I’d like to be doing. It frustrates me that I don’t have more faith in myself, and that I’m leading a life of fear-based decisions right now, but I’m trying ever-so-hard to be patient with my weaknesses and search for the positives in all this. I also don’t know exactly what I want to be doing or where I want to be doing it and those uncertainties keep me stagnating. But I’ve reflected long enough to have learned that doing so only gets you so far, putting thoughts into action is what really moves you forward. I have to simply take the leap.
For now though, I have to delay gratification in hopes that it will lead to something better down the road. More money wouldn’t hurt, as well as more time to formulate a plan of action. So off to the ship it is, and I’m going to do my best to keep optimistic and concentrate only on the positives. Like Australia. I’m going to see Australia!
I can do this.